to: Richard M Shulze (istartedbestbuy@bestbuy.com)
from: Steven Austin Weiss
Subject: Seriosuly dude, WTF
Richie! Can I call you dick? yes? well then, I’m going to….excellent.
Now, we’ve got some things to discuss. First of, I’ve been researching your company on Wikipedia. And I noticed your roots were as a music store? Wonderful! Well, in 1983 after a tornado destroyed your store and you had a big sale, you renamed it Best Buy! I still maintain you should have called it “Tornado of shit”. Well Dick, that tornado was the birth of Steven Austin Weiss, which is about to strike again. (i have been called a world destructor galore according to MagicScallions.com)
I’m also going to come right out and say that Wiki gave me a warning that the Neutrality and Factual Accuracy of that entry was questioned. Have you been sending lackies in to hype up your image on the Wiki? That shit’s not gonna work dick, its user policed! YEAH, How You Like That, Bitch!
I’m also noticing that you have a 69% employee turnover rate, way above an average 44-50% for retail. Well, I’m telling you homes, I can see why. Your store sucks. Besides your shady business practices of not honoring pre-orders for PS3’s and Various unauthorized packages for Xbox360’s, we’re here to talk about something else.
Is it really so hard to put your new releases and music DVD’s in alphabetical order? I know you do not have high standards for your employees, because you probably pay them as little as you can, but the alphabet is a fairly standard system to learn.
Oh, you also sent out fake ass cease and desist letters threatening various blogs which posted your holiday price list. Fuck you for doing that.
All I’m saying is that when I enter your store, holding a fire extinguisher, spraying everything in sight and yelling “Yeah bitch, now I’ll bet you’re happy you paid for the extended service plan!” just dont be upset, because you had it coming to you.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and God Bless America
sincerely,
Steven Austin Weiss
10/12/06
to:Stevejobs (Icreatedtheipodsolelytolistentolivetowineverymorning@apple.com)
from: Steven Austin Weiss
Subject: Silicon Valley, we have a problem
What Up Steve-0!
I used your alternate email address like you said, and I must say, its a wonderfull address. Awesome seeing you at the Office Max on Rt 17, don’t worry, I wont tell anyone you were stealing parts from all the Dell Desktops. Now, lets discuss the matter at hand.
I currently own my 3rd Apple computer. A 13″ macbook. There were some major problems…that damn heat sink…but the Depot fixed all of that. I’m writing about a much more prominent problem in my life, only intensified by your machine. iCal. Wonderful program. Nearly flawless. different colors for calendars, view by week day month, beautiful. It even has an alarm where you can send yourself email reminders or open a file!! WOW!!! YEAH!!!! ok, now. Opening a file, such as an itunes song…Yep, you’re right there with me.
I know you read my last post, so you know of my recent life change and vow to listen to Paul Stanley’s Live To Win every morning, a vow facilitated by your fine machine. I knew it would make you proud.
BUT, the thing is- the computer can’t be asleep in order for the alarm to work!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MAN!!!! GOOD GOD! HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS!! ok…sorry. Lost it there for a minute. But really steve-0, get someone on that. How pointless is an alarm that can’t wake you up in the morning and motivate you with one of the finest songs ever written?
I’m afraid to tell Paul this, in case he breaks down into tears, and writes another heartbreaking ballad like “Forever” which he co-wrote with Michael Bolton. it would go like this;
My ical let me down.
My Smile Turned to a frown
Whole World is upside down, round and round throught the town
While I live every day to win
How can my day begin —-without Iiiiiiical.
I was made for lovin Icaaaaal
Then the bridge would go like this
(big hit on the bass drum) I
(another big hit) Cal
(then its like a spoken word part a la “god Gave Rock and Roll To You) I Know Sometimes its hard to wake up in the morning without a litlle somethin somethin, and thats why we all have to Live It To Win It Together. But When a calendar application for your laptop just won’t work, sometimes life can be a real drag. This time baby, I just don’t know what to do
Then it goes to a big chorus, and repeats that a lot of times, i’m thinking about 17.
Ok Steve, get on this, or i’ll send an email to Engadget exposing the fact that you play in a Styx cover band called Tri-Axis of Evil, with Bill Gates on bass, and Donald Rumsfeld on Keyboards.
Live To Win
Steven Austin Weiss