I was discussing Evite theory recently, and i’d like to open it up for public debate. Just like the pop music world is all about appearance and presentation, I believe the same goes for evites.
A close asian compadre, one Web Master T Bone is having a chinese new year celebration. Time was running out for the evite grace period- which i have learned is 2-3 weeks. This invite was nearly just sent out with a stock photo, which would have been grounds for immediate disaster. I pitched an idea for some photos, this is how the meeting went:
11:06am, Los Angeles California, Beverly Hills office building:
I valet park my 1994 pontiac grand prix, as the attendent gives me a dirty look. I’m wearing a bright green hawiian shirt, aviator sunglasses, white khaki shorts and sandles over a pair of argyle socks, and a red velvet bathrobe. I’m carrying my notebook containing my ideas, as all professional Evite writers do, and I’m ready to kick ass. The receptionist at the front desk looks like a reject from “Laguna Beach” and tells me to sit on the white leather couch in the waiting room, because Mr T Bone is recieving his daily massage and pedicure, and should be done in 12 minutes. Those hollywood mogul types and their pedicures. After what is most definitely 15 minutes, T Bone Emerges and says “Steve-0, baby, its been years, how’s Aspen treating ya?”
He’s aged terribly. I told him not to install that tanning bed in his underground fortress, or to get that chin implant he so desperately wanted…. But this is Hollywood. Whats an asian movie media mogul without a year round tan and an extremely badass chin? But I Digress.
We sit down around a conference table, its nearly 20 feet long, each of us at opposite ends. The legs are made of actual Buffalo legs, while the top is some sort of synthetic lucite that changes color with the feel of the room, kind of like a mood ring. T Says “So what have you got for me?”
I say “Prepare to have your mind blown!” as I whip out the notebook containing months of brainstorming ideas. I dim the lights and turn on the projector, even though i have no slides prepared, (I just like the lighting it provides) and stand in the spotlight. “ok, this is what i’m seeing….we travel to Bejing on a 31 day excursion. 7 photographers as well as 3 stylists are on hand at all times to do a stop motion series of you building an original version of the great wall, only to finsh after what appears to be years of hard labor, only to whip out cans of graffiti and tag T Bone Was Here and directions to the party underneath. eh eh?”
He seemed a little skeptical. Maybe it was too similar to my Bar Mitzvah when I rebuilt the entire original temple in Jerusalem, only to tear it down, assembling the wreckage and rubble into the date and address of the temple my Bar Mitzvah was being held at.
I had banked so much on this one idea, I didnt prepare anything else in my months of work. I basically figured this idea was golden, and spent the rest of my time eating Pulled Pork Sandwiches and drinking Capri Sun Juice Packs. When he wasn’t feeling the idea, I had to come up with a quick plan b. “ok ok, I got others. We fly to chinatown, hire a harem of escorts and exotic dancers, set you up with a giant feast fit for a king, and theres our picture”
20 minutes later, we were on a leer jet with 23 of Los Angeles’ most beautiful and expensive women, bound for Chinatown. Rodrigo Ventamalizmo was along as our photographer. His work is good…David Lee Roth in a Kyak Good. I bailed him out of jail in Bali once…he owed me a favor. We arrive at 330am, landing on Canal Street and immediately head to “Rabbai David Berkowitz’s House Of Dumplings” (a side note, dont ever let anyone tell you a rabbai cant make dumplings, because this guy…wow) I slip the doorman a $50 and give him the secret password of “Gifelte Fish” and we are wooshed off to the finest table in the house. T Bone at the center in his white linen suit, wearing 6 gold chains and a fedora hat with a peacock feather sticking out. We order 15 sapporos and a dumpling appetizer. As they arrive, TB starts right in. I get up to use the rest room, and by the time I return, T is passed out, face first in the plate of dumplings, the ladies are a little frightened. I announce to the group “Keep your shorts on bitches, you still get paid even if he doesnt make it through the night” I turn to Rodrigo and say “Snap a few frames, it might be the best we can get” he goes to the work with the finesse of a young Annie Lebowitz. I’m telling you…it must have been the reflection of the complimentary Hot and Sour soup that Berkowitz sent over…that picture looked like it fell off the wall of the MOMA.
T Bone didnt wake up until 3 weeks later. He thought one of the hookers..I mean “Escorts” roofie-colada’ed his sapporo, and i’m guessing he was right. Those ho’s are ruthless and money hungry. Sadly, we got into a dispute with rodrigo on the flight home about a pevious wager I had placed on a Detroit Tigers game…and he refused to give us the negatives. On Such short notice, all we could do was call up our friend “Jug Band Sugimoto” to make a rendering of the T Bone Signature Face, and sperimpose it on the body of a dragon. Now, I will say, it looks nothing like his pet dragon “Frangelino” But it was a noble effort on her part.
And thats pretty much how it happened. The evite went out as planned, and the jury is out on responses. But really, if someone sent you a half assed evite with some stock picture on it, would you want to devote your entire night to this person?? I thought not.