October 12, 2006
On the streets of Jersey City, strange things happen. Sirens, gunshots, crazy people yelling at you, Indian dancing festivals, and much much more. But of all the things on the JC Streets, what makes a black 94 Pontiac Grand Prix so attractive to someone? Could it be the bouncing head chiuaua on the dash? yeah man, SEXY. What about the pile of 200 reciepts on the passenger seat? Ooooooh yeah! possibly the non removable stereo containing only a cassette player? How can you resist? I can’t, I’ll tell you that much!
The point is, my car was broken into, and NOTHING was taken! not a damn thing! One of my most valuable posessions, a brown jacket from the 60’s belonging to my grandfather, left untouched in the back seat. My chiuaua on the dash, still has its bouncing head. The fact that I keep my car a complete mess didn’t deter these likely crackheads from busting my passenger side window to get at the sweet sweet gold that lied within my Pontiac Paradise. Wait, apparently there was no gold. or anything for that matter. The only valuables were in the Trunk, a snare drum, and about 15 copies of LA Weekly which I still have not unpacked from my move back several years ago. BUT, you can’t open the trunk from inside the car without a key! they tried with a crobar, but i guess got discouraged. I think they got like 57 cents in change from the console, but they even left a few dimes and nickels!!!! I guess they roll big and just wanted the quarters.
My message to you fucking crackheads is this- At Least go for a likely target. You can see from the untinted window that there is no worth while stereo in my car. and there are snapple bottles all over the back seat floor, stacks of paper everywhere….
“yeah, this guy looks like a BIG roller. Why dont we shatter the window, and rumage through these valuables, hows about it fellow crackhead? Forget that car over there with the Sirius radio and shit, THIS guy with the bouncing head dog…thats where we need to go!”
It was like they did it just to fuck with me. Like if i went through the trouble of breaking a window, risked getting caught, the least i am doing is taking SOMETHING. They left my sunglasses, my Credence Tapes (not really, Lebowski), what the fuck?
The irritating thing is, I can’t go to work because I have to fix this fucker- god knows what will happen if I leave this thing on the streets with a window open. So a days pay has to be spent on fixing it, but i cant work the day!
Aah Jersey City, I guess we’re just getting to know eachother, and this is our first fight. The blissful little period is over where everything is roses and sunshine, and now we’re in the thick of it. Well, my beautiful JC, you have not heard the last of me. The JC KINGS (my motorcycle gang) is going to be all over this one.
October 11, 2006
10/12/06
to:Stevejobs (Icreatedtheipodsolelytolistentolivetowineverymorning@apple.com)
from: Steven Austin Weiss
Subject: Silicon Valley, we have a problem
What Up Steve-0!
I used your alternate email address like you said, and I must say, its a wonderfull address. Awesome seeing you at the Office Max on Rt 17, don’t worry, I wont tell anyone you were stealing parts from all the Dell Desktops. Now, lets discuss the matter at hand.
I currently own my 3rd Apple computer. A 13″ macbook. There were some major problems…that damn heat sink…but the Depot fixed all of that. I’m writing about a much more prominent problem in my life, only intensified by your machine. iCal. Wonderful program. Nearly flawless. different colors for calendars, view by week day month, beautiful. It even has an alarm where you can send yourself email reminders or open a file!! WOW!!! YEAH!!!! ok, now. Opening a file, such as an itunes song…Yep, you’re right there with me.
I know you read my last post, so you know of my recent life change and vow to listen to Paul Stanley’s Live To Win every morning, a vow facilitated by your fine machine. I knew it would make you proud.
BUT, the thing is- the computer can’t be asleep in order for the alarm to work!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MAN!!!! GOOD GOD! HOW COULD YOU BE SO CARELESS!! ok…sorry. Lost it there for a minute. But really steve-0, get someone on that. How pointless is an alarm that can’t wake you up in the morning and motivate you with one of the finest songs ever written?
I’m afraid to tell Paul this, in case he breaks down into tears, and writes another heartbreaking ballad like “Forever” which he co-wrote with Michael Bolton. it would go like this;
My ical let me down.
My Smile Turned to a frown
Whole World is upside down, round and round throught the town
While I live every day to win
How can my day begin —-without Iiiiiiical.
I was made for lovin Icaaaaal
Then the bridge would go like this
(big hit on the bass drum) I
(another big hit) Cal
(then its like a spoken word part a la “god Gave Rock and Roll To You) I Know Sometimes its hard to wake up in the morning without a litlle somethin somethin, and thats why we all have to Live It To Win It Together. But When a calendar application for your laptop just won’t work, sometimes life can be a real drag. This time baby, I just don’t know what to do
Then it goes to a big chorus, and repeats that a lot of times, i’m thinking about 17.
Ok Steve, get on this, or i’ll send an email to Engadget exposing the fact that you play in a Styx cover band called Tri-Axis of Evil, with Bill Gates on bass, and Donald Rumsfeld on Keyboards.
Live To Win
Steven Austin Weiss
October 9, 2006
10/9/06, Monday, Columbus Day
To: Paul@Paulstanleyiscompletelyawesomeandlivestowin.com
from: Steven Austin Weiss
Subject: Only One Way To Live
Dear Paul Stanley,
At first when we were hanging out at the Viper Room in 1987, corner booth in the VIP section, 3 cans of hairspray each in our massive beehive styles , drinking Singapore Slings, when you gave me your email address, I was a little confused. Partially because Al Gore and Eric Tarn had not invented the internet yet, but mainly because your email address was so damn long. You replied with;
“Steven, my close friend and trusted spiritual advisor, when you live to win, you gotta live it large. Whether its playing to 80,000 screaming fans, or an excessive domain name, my eyes are on the prize. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a show to do.”
Just then, as you stormed the stage a guitar magically appeared in a puff of smoke. Your rendition of “Crazy Nights” was phenomenal. That chorus? “These are crazy crazy crazy crazy nights”? Wow. really, wow.
But I’m not writing just to relive the glory days. No Paul, I’m writing to tell you that you have improved my life. Last night, I downloaded “Live To Win” your Ethos turned Mega Hit from your new album of the same name. I can’t believe they didn’t let you call it “Paul Stanley: The Voice Of Every Generation” like you wanted. Well, It changed my life. I have vowed to listen to this song every morning, knowing that it will make me sieze each day, living it to the fullest. Living it…..to win! Today, day one, both T Bone and I in our perspective lairs of genius (thats what we call the rooms in our apartment) each woke up to Live To Win, what happens next? Beck announces a show in our neighborhood. Who the hell comes to Jersey City to play an old Lowes movie theather? BECK thats who! All of this, directly because of you Paul Stanley. And for this, I thank you. Happy Sukkot, and Happy New Year, my Jewish Brother. One can only imagine the treasures that await your loyal listeners in the weeks to come
Sincerely
Steven Austin Weiss
Ladies and Gentlemen, after a brief recess, a squabble with Yahoo, one championship battle at dawn in the caves of Jersey City, and a Soild Gold Plate Of Sushi……we have returned in new form
STEVENAUSTINWEISS.com
No, I’m not ripping off Steve Austin “stone cold” or whatever the fuck he is, I had my name before he was famous, so screw him and all which he stands for. I’ll bet he stands for some Lame Ass stuff anyway, like Freedom and Liberty. Here at StevenAustinWeiss.com, wwe stand for 2 things, and here they are in order
1. FOOD
2. Vengance
Well, maybe not vengance, but something as equally intense sounding. maybe Vengance against companies like Ebay and Yahoo. We’re also debuting a section called “Steve Writes Emails” see my previous tyrade over Ebay for an example. Later today, there just might be a correspondence with one Paul Stanley from a little band we like to call “Night Ranger” no wait, I think he was in Kiss.
Good to have to back with us.
Sincerely Steven “Cold Stone” Austin Weiss